The Parking Lot Game

If you ask me, the worst part of going to any major department store shopping, aside from the final purchase cost, is the parking before-hand. For the longest time, I would spend my time looking for a parking spot while quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) cursing to myself. This is bad. No one should get that upset over a PARKING SPOT! So what did I do? I turned it into a game!

The Parking Lot Game can be played by one person or multiple. If you’re playing alone, just tally your points and go for a personal best. If you’re playing with multiple people, whoever calls out a Parker type FIRST gets the appropriate amount of points and once you have left the parking lot, whoever has the highest wins.

Let me break it down for you, yo!

The over-compensating handicapped and/or liar (20 pts):

This person drives a Suburban, F-350, monster truck, or some other type of overtly large vehicle. The reasons for this are not exactly clear, because honestly, if you’re so handicapped as to require a front parking spot, why the hell are you driving a vehicle that takes a step-ladder to get out of? Are you really so self-conscious about your handicap that you need to hide behind a vehicle that would be better placed at a monster truck rally demolishing small compact cars? OR this person isn’t handicapped at all and totally ninja’d that decal/tag/hanger from a friend/relative out of sheer laziness.

**People driving large vehicles that have handicap alterations, i.e. wheelchair ramps for a specific person in this vehicle do not count.

The Air Conditioned Lazy Ass (15 pts):

Mind you, the air in their vehicle doesn’t necessarily have to be working, but this is one of the most annoying Parkers out there. This person will ignore multitudes of available parking spots to have one of the very front spots. The thing that makes them an air conditioned lazy ass, is that this person will stay in their vehicle and

• ·         Wait for someone to put their groceries up and leave the parking spot
• ·         Circle around the entire parking lot until someone leaves
• ·         Sit in a parking lane waiting for someone to leave

The Chauffeurette (10 pts):

This person avoids all parking lot issues by simply being the passenger and having the driver of the vehicle drop them off at the front of the store. Why bother with parking your car at all when you can have someone else do it for you?!

**This does not count if it is raining outside. I have my best friend drop me off at the front if it’s raining simply because I’m a dummy and never remember my umbrella!

The Fire Zoner (20 pts):

This one is less common simply because people may be lazy, but they’re not always stupid. This person avoids the parking lot by parking their vehicle horizontally against the curb in front of the store. This spot usually says “No Parking” or “Fire Zone” but CLEARLY they are above the law. I know it is evil, but I love seeing these people get towed!

The Can't Be Arsed [CBA] (0 pts):

No points for this. These people rock. I am this person. I can’t be bothered with doing the supreme parking spot hunt so I park in the back and just walk to the front!

I'm sure there are more types, but these are the ones I see the most often!

Parking lots are terrible. Parking lots during the holidays are even worse. Do what I do – park in the back or go shopping at Wal-Mart at 3am when it looks like this:

The Internet is a series of tubes.

This series of tubes exists in a dark, unfounded place that’s humid and full of breeding bacteria…and viruses.  Thus, sometimes media goes VIRAL on the internet.  One moment you’re chilling out maxin’, relaxin’ all cool, making your dreams come true in Robot Unicorn Attack and then BAM, someone links it. It can sneak up on you so quickly that you’ll never know what hit you until it is 6am and you haven’t been able to sleep for 5 hours because you find yourself with a song stuck in your head that makes you want to cry.

Good examples of things that have gone viral:

• George Watsky’s video “Pale Kid Raps Fast"
• Jennifer Aniston advertising “Smart Water” AKA Jen Anniston’s Sex Tape(omg puppies)
• The Bed Intruder Song (hide yo kids, hide yo wife, fosho)

But no, it’s not one of those that I find myself unable to shake off. It’s Rebecca Black’s nasally, preteen infested, screechy song/video “Friday.

For your viewing pleasure: 

Now tell me, aside from being so terrible that it’s hilarious, how did this come to be?

ARK Music Factory.

This company based in California offers ‘young artists’ a way to branch out into the entertainment industry. They write songs for/with the artist, make the song/video, and then publish it (for a fee, of course). ARK music is also responsible for Alana Lee and this. Honestly, if you read up on them, they sound just a wee bit shady. I have to give it to them, though. They know the market.

So anyway, ARK puts out this video and it lights up like a wildfire. Has anyone actually LISTENED to it, though?

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”

 You should really invest in some oatmeal. The sugar that is most likely caked into your cereal has done this to your face: 

Your friends are illegal. 

You are 14, they are around your age as well. You are not legal to drive in the state of California alone. AND ON TOP OF THAT, where are your seatbelts?! THIS IS DANGEROUS.

Know what the hardest part of Rebecca Black’s day is?

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Deciding where she wants to sit. I seriously wish that was the hardest part of my day. Life would be grand. Ignorance is bliss, amirite? But really girlie, one, you don’t want to be in the car with these underage drivers. I don’t care if they’re your friends or not. Two, the front seat is CLEARLY taken. She called shotgun before you even WOKE UP this morning. (How do you ‘kick it’ in the front seat anyway?) Your only option is the back seat. And really, can’t you chill no matter where you sit? Man, screw this, just take the cheese wagon. 

You’ll be a hell of a lot safer.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly

Unsafe driving procedures. I’d like to see your license, registration, and while you’re at it, birth certificates.

My friend is by my right, ay

Okay, if your friend is by your right…who the frick is this chick? 

And why are you leaving her hanging like that? For reals, dawg? I know the camera is just bad, so it’s not like there’s anything wrong with her but dawg, that’s cold.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)

…

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards

BLESS YOU CHILD. I HAD NO IDEA. I want to personally thank you for reminding me what today is. Friday is pay day. Thanks.

This is the ARK Music Factory producer Patrice Wilson. He cameos in a lot of the videos they produce. His face says it all, honestly.

He’s rapping this:

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

But to me his face says, “Aww, frick. I don’t get paid enough for this.”

BUT HEY, these are just my opinions. All that really matters it that it’s the weekend and the pool is open.

I’M I’M I’M SO EXCITED.

***I don't really hate Rebecca Black. I bought the song off iTunes. I just like taking it apart and laughing at it out of context. =]

Life has stole all of my pep. If you see the jerk, tell him I want my mojo back.

The past seven days have been rough. Really, really, really rough. I’ve been completely zapped of my mental energy, but after some serious thinking, I’m still going to keep a positive outlook. Savannah says “Positive outcomes only!” I could be wallowing in self-pity, hatred, and depression right now, but NO! The anger monster WILL NOT GET ME.

Yes, my internal anger does in fact look like a rabid strawberry.

I think that although we are all individuals, we’re still products of our environment. That environment consisting of our location (whether it be physical or what point we are at in our lives), our friends, family, careers, and also with how we identify ourselves. Of course there are deviations to this; not everyone who lives in a sunny state is going to be an outgoing, athletic person, nor is someone in their 40s necessarily going to be domestic and family oriented. However, aspects of their life will reflect their environment.

I’ve come to realize what affects me the most would be my friends. I unconsciously pick up habits and traits from the people I hold close to my heart. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s less than desirable. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. All of these personality traits are what make up me. Although they exist out there somewhere I’m sure, for the most part, no one has every trait I have. I am an individual comprised of those I love.

Seven days ago a very close friend of mine passed away. I’ve shed my tears and I’m going through the grieving process, but I’m going to not focus on what I have lost, but remember what we had and what I gained from our friendship.

My friend, B, was an amazing individual (or as he said ‘indavidual’). His life was difficult because of medical reasons, but that did not stop him from soaring. I could go on and on all day about what an inspiring person he was, what a kind person he was, but honestly, those words don’t really mean anything unless you KNEW him. B had an unmatched humor. He was witty, snarky, cynical, intelligent, but most of all FUN. He could take the most routine situation and turn it into complete chaos that would have you laughing so hard you wanted to cry. Everything had humor in it and everything could be made fun of. I learned from him in our short friendship that yeah, people are terrible, but at least it’s hilarious to watch and pick at. I wish I could thank him for that. I reallyreally hope he got something out of our friendship, even if it was just a couple items to make a pretty dress out of. He looked smashing, even if his pixelated midriff was showing.

Troll on, sir, troll on.

Death isn’t the only way people leave your life. Blahblah, some cliché line about people leaving, etc, whatever. This isn’t a sob story. People leave, life goes on, but you need to keep your head up and hang on to what you got.

My friend RL (not Real Life, we’re just going to refer to this friend as RL) has decided that we are not to be a part of each other’s lives now over something I don’t understand. Meh, it sucks, meh, life goes on. Blahblah, he was a cool person, blahblah, whatever.

Dear RL,

I learned from you that there is a line and it should not be crossed. Things can go from joking to WTF WHY YOU TALKIN’ BOUT MY MOM in zero to .5 seconds. =P

Sincerely,

Me

I also learned to never, ever drunk dial from him. Saved voicemails can be very embarrassing. Thanks for the life lesson, mister. =]

AND in the same week, RR left as well. This hurt pretty bad, but I’m sure he has his reasons. I think what hurt about this the most is I don’t know why. He was there, being a great friend to me after B’s passing, and then he was just gone. Was I inattentive? Was I over emotional? What would cause someone to leave a friend during a time of need like that? I don’t know, but RR is a good person. I know he has a good reason and I can respect that. If he ever wants to talk, he knows how to find me.

LOGIC. RR is probably the most logical person I know. I find myself a lot of times trying to look at situations from all stand points and seeing what the most logical reason or course of action should be. I think I also gained a lot of insight into the male mind. Now THAT is going to be priceless. I'm hoping this is going to save me from many a foot-in-mouth situations. FOR SURE, thank you, sir.

I really got a lot more from each of them. But everyone I know is such a part of me it's hard to tell what's always been me and what's new. I think it makes me sound like a sheeple, but really, that's not the case.

I look back on all of this and I think I have the closure I needed.

Now I’m off to terrorize my best friend.

Here's your one chance Chewie don't let me down.

This is about to get SCANDALOUS. 

I play World of Warcraft. Now, before you go all judgmental on me I would like to make note the follow things:

• I do not live in my parent’s basement. In fact, I live in Florida and we don’t even have basements here for the most part. I have my own apartment. Sorta. I have a roommate.
• I go out with my friends OUTSIDE IN REAL LIFE on a regular basis.
• I am not a half-naked, 40 year old man stalking innocent women on the internet.
• I do not spend all day at my computer eating Cheetos. Usually I just drink water.
• I exercise daily.
• I prefer human contact over contact with my keyboard.

Now moving right along…

One of the neat things about WoW is creating your character. Designing the cutest character with the cutest pigtails is fun. But unfortunately, often times people don't actually SEE the effort you put into your pixel appearance. However, naming your character is something that everyone will see. The name of your character can sometimes have the power to make or break your interaction with the other people playing WoW.  Example, naming your character (and yes, I did run into this, yes I gagged, yes I reported them) “Kumdumpster” isn’t necessarily going to do you any good in your pixelated endeavors, especially if your character is female.

• People will assume you are an under-sexed teenage boy and will shy away from you.
• People will assume you are an undersexed middle-aged man and shy away from you.
• People will assume you are a female tramp.
• You will eventually get a forced name change and/or banned.

There will be the occasional “LOL, NICE NAME, DUDE!” but for the most part, the internet goers you interact with will hate you.

On the opposite end of this spectrum (these usually reside on Role Playing servers) are the overly fanatic names. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just keep in mind, though, that if you’re going to refer to yourself as Belebridien Da’Grial Silentarrow, you will attract a certain crowd. Many RPers, handle it.

Usually the best action to take is picking a simple name somewhere in the middle (unless you want to RP, or unless you like the negative attention naming yourself “Kumdumpster” would get you).

Most importantly, MAKE YOUR NAME AWESOME! There’s a fine line between awesome and overdone, but it’s totally possible to find it.

Take the lovely person RC and I got to talk to last night. Her (it was a female character, but always assume whoever you are talking to is a guy because it most likely is) name was Rebacca. It seems simple. A nice spin-off of Rebecca but what matters is what it IMPLIES. 

What we gathered from Rebacca was that she/he was the love child of Chewbacca and Reba McEntire. HOW AMAZIN IS THAT?

+

=

RC took a close up picture for us here:

 (He's the better artist.)

Essentially what we have on our hands now is the Galactic Empires next number one singing sensation. A ginger singing sensation no less. 

"I remeber it all very well lookin' back
It was the summer I turned 18 in a one room, rundown shack
On the outskirts of Kashyyk
We didn't have money for food or rent
To say the least we were hard pressed
Then Attichitcuk spent every last penny we had
To buy me a dancin' dress

...

He said here's your one chance Chewie don't let me down
Here's your once chance Chewie don't let me down!"

And you know what the real Rebacca did? (S)he said that our mothers would be ashamed of the nasty things we were saying. Seriously? We were talking about what an amazing name they had. It isn’t like we were explicitly describing their conception. She has the potential to rule the internet and she gets OFFENDED.

Still on the subject of WoW names, you should watch the following. It was like pulling teeth getting this video segment extracted from the original, but alas I managed to get the excessive, dorky Machinima removed for you.

Rebacca needs more pride in her given name like Mr. Fluffypinkbunnyman the warrior.

The troll that lives in the toddler bed in the room next door.

Kids are awesome.  I had the privilege of spending yesterday with my 3 year old niece Ella. In my opinion, Ella is hands down the cutest, funniest little 3 year old girl in the whole wide world. I might be a bit biased, but I want proof that I am. That being said, I think she also trolled me.

If you don’t know what a troll is (and I’m not talking the kind that lives under a bridge or has a Buddha belly and rad hair) see here:

1. slang computing a person who submits deliberately inflammatory articles to an internet discussion

That’s a loose definition of it via Webster’s (they really need to get caught up on the times!) Trolling can totally happen in real life. When someone says something to you to purposely get a specific reaction out of you and it works, you’ve been trolled.  Annnnnnnd she totally trolled me. In fact, I’m pretty sure toddler’s have been trolling their parents since the dawn of time but everyone is too caught up on how cute it is to realize they’re being played.

The following scene took place on the way to Wal-Mart yesterday.

Ella: Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. MOMMA!                                                                                   

My Sister: Yes, Ella?

Ella: MOMMA!

Sister: Yes, Ella dear?

Ella: MOMMY!

Sister: What, Ella?

Ella: *At Sprankles!

Me:  Yes munchkin?

Ella: At Sprankles!

Me: YES?

Ella: What’s up?

Me: Your mommy’s irritability.

Ella: OH WOW!

Me: Yes, oh wow!

Ella: Why?

Me: Because of you.

Ella: *giggles* But why?

Me: Because you won’t tell her what you want.

Ella: Oh. At Sprankles, where we go?

Me: Wal-Mart.

Ella: NO!

Me: Why not?

Ella: NO NO NO! Mal-Mart is gween!

So here’s the deal. Sometimes it’s hard to understand what Ella is saying because she waited so long to start talking. She just recently started talking in the last 6 months. I know kids start talking earlier, but she is most definitely intelligent. She was tested and also saw a speech therapist. The doctor’s confirmed that Ella is very, very, very intelligent she just…didn’t feel like talking. Honest to god. So now she’s learning to articulate and it doesn’t always work out so well. However, my niece clearly meant one of two things with her statement “Mal-Mart (Wal-Mart) is gween.” (She didn’t mean the color green. Wal-Mart is very blue and Ella knows her colors very well.)

1. Green:  (urban dictionary) when somebody is hatin or bein wrong
2. Greed: (greedy)

Either way, my niece is a genius. She picked out a Spider Man lunch box complete with Disney Princess thermos.  

This is her troll face.  Note the chocolate on her mouth from the vegan chocolate chip cookies I made.

*My name isn't actually Sprankles. And "At" is Ella's version of "Aunt".

I hurt in places I didn't know existed.

Girls are famous for the epically low self esteem. The most mature, successful, beautiful woman can wake up one morning and feel like the bad guy in Night of the Living Dead, only uglier. What makes this so annoying to everyone around them is that they will REFUSE to believe they are anything other than a hideous being created to scare the bijeezus out of everyone they encounter.

On the other side of this are the 15 year old minded females (and, well, 15 year old girls, too) who ACT like they think they're truly ugly, but really they're just fishing for compliments. I see it alllllllllll the time and it drives me insaaaaaane. If you ever want revenge on someone who does that, the moment they something along the lines of, "oh my gosh, I look terrible"...agree with them. Fun times are sure to ensue.

Then there are the girls like me. I know I look bad and sometimes I look worse. When I say "ugh, I look like a zombie scarecrow bred with a bison" I really mean it. When I say this I am NOT fishing for compliments. In fact, if you could agree with me and just tell me how to look better, that would be AWESOME! At least that's how I am. I don't want anyone sugar coating the truth for me. If I have a problem, I want to fix it. 

Which is why I spend a lot of my less-than-awesome temporary vacation (lol laid off ftl) working on getting my life and body straight. Things have been rough and tough the past couple of years but I have no intention of letting that hold me back. 

The biggest change I've made has been going from the super slacker lazy bum I used to be to the workoutaholic I am now. The change isn't as drastic as I'd like it to be, but it's happening and that's what matters.


I have TERRIBLE self discipline. I have to berate myself constantly to get things done. But you know what the greatest motivation is? 


Waking up, looking in the mirror, and thinking I look like this:

After thinking my reflection is really just a bison in pale skin, I spend the next hour+ going through this and other activities:

When it's all over, I feel like this at first:

After a shower and a bottle of water, though, it's all worth it because I'm convinced I look like this:

LET ME TELL YOU NOW, I may not draw very well, but that looks damn fine.

This is why I'll never be a drug addict.

I really enjoy console games. When I got my first NES (well after they stopped making them, hey! we were poor!) I'm pretty sure I spent hours upon hours dying to the same goomba in Super Mario Bros. 3 five millionty times and STILL never got tired of it. I later obtained a copy of The Little Mermaid for SNES and my life was complete. Even now I totally get into Wii Games and even some DDR for the PS2.

Games today are all about what looks the most real. I could really care less about what looks real. The FPS (first person shooter) games out are all about blood, gore, and killing. MMO's (massive multi-player online) games are going for the addiction aspect (i.e. World of Warcraft, AND MAN DOES IT SUCCEED), which I suppose is along the same lines as what I'm about to go for...

BUT REALLY, I think the single most addictive thing in all of the world for me isn't a real drug. It isn't alcohol. It isn't sex. It isn't even ROCK AND ROLL.

Flash games. 

Flash games are like Christmas gifts are to toddlers. Parents go out of their way to buy the perfect gift for their wee-drooling-diaper-wearing-spawn, wrap it up all nice, and wait for the big day to arrive. When Christmas morning shows up the child struggles with the wrapping (maybe their parent helps, maybe not), looks at the gift, tosses it aside, then proceeds to play with the tissue paper and wrapping. 

Major game companies go out of their way to create the best game systems and games each year. They spend sooo much money doing this. People spend thousands of dollars on the best entertainment systems money can by and you know what happens?

They spend three hours playing a repetitive flash game. 

THIS is why I will never be an addict to substance abuse (aside from my amazing self control and upbringing). There's no time for substance abuse when you need to make your dreams come true in Robot Unicorn Attack.

The music for the game can be found here. It's copyrighted. WOOPS!

I love games, but as you can see, I am very very bad with them.